WHERE THE HELL HAS EVERYBODY BEEN?

Welcome back, folks. To re-open the blog I’ve convinced our good friend and esteemed baseball mind (fake) Tommy Lasorda to return as a guest author.  

Lasorda

Jeezuz, I leave for three goddam years and what the hell happens? The friggin’ Giants win ANOTHER series, then ANOTHER one on top of that.

This is unacceptable. You know, in my day this shit never happened. We didn’t let it. The Giants were losers and we made damn sure of it. Sabotage? Possibly.

Now I’m not saying we ever did anything illegal or improper, because that would be incriminating. But remember 1993? Last game of the season, Giants about to sweep us at home and go to the playoffs. I’ll tell you, I was not going to let that happen.

This kid Torres was pitching that game, and you see what we did was, I mean, what we allegedly might or might not have done was, a little trick I learned from Durocher called the Tijuana Trouser Bomb. You see, what you do is call up the madame, assuming you got one handy, and damned if I didn’t have three on speed dial. Anyways, we call her up, I mean we may or may not call her up, and ask which of her girls might be dealing with, well, unwanted companions in the lower regions, if you know what I mean. Crabs. What I’m talking about here is crabs.

Anyway, so we get this girl over, I mean we allegedly may or may not have got this girl over, and I tell you she had more crabs on her than the Cornelia Marie. So we send her over to the hotel to pay that pitcher a visit and I’ll be goddamed if he didn’t leave his fastball in the locker room with about a gallon of that pink shampoo . We ran a damn parade around the bases that day. I’ve never been so relieved in my life.

You know what I did that night? I want to the Palm and I call over the manager and I have them deep fry a whole damn lobster, then wrap that bad boy around a porterhouse and cover the whole friggin’ thing in gravy. Serve it with a nicely chilled gallon of scotch and my friend you have yourself a victory celebration. God, that was good. I blacked out for two days and woke up on the floor of O’Malley’s suite in Caesar’s Palace with Pedro Astacio’s signature tattooed on my ass.

That’s how you close out a season.

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6 Responses to WHERE THE HELL HAS EVERYBODY BEEN?

  1. Flavor says:

    Um….might be time to re-tool. Re-brand. Re-vamp. Whatever. Not sure what this was…..

  2. xoot says:

    hey! (fake) Tommy! How’s your waddle these days? You used to look pretty funny crossing RF at the Stick, especially last day of the season 82, you pasta fed putz. By the way, how’d you ever let the bums deal Dee Gordon? You lost all influence over the franchise? Or you too busy to care, too busy trying to find a hooker listed in your rolodex who’s still alive?

  3. shoelessinbearvalley says:

    Hey fat … err, fake … Tommy! You once said, “No, we don’t cheat. And even if we did, I’d never tell you.” (1989). Even so, that crab story of yours sounds more than a wee fishy.

    More believable, given your now legendary eating habits – e.g., “When we win, I’m so happy I eat a lot. When we lose, I’m so depressed, I eat a lot. When we’re rained out, I’m so disappointed I eat a lot.” (2004) – to believe you more likely ate your weight in crab just as a late night snack prior to your doubtless and hugely disappointing 1993 season.

    As a result (of the Giants losing out to the Braves on the last day of the 1993 season), the Giants, still, get the last laugh – even as they ran away with the 2014 W.S. Championship crown as this year’s NL Wild Card entry – and all because of that one day back in 1993.

    No doubt it’s only a wicked rumor that Tommy put on an extra 25 pounds in just this glorious post season alone.

    • xoot says:

      yeah, rumor is he Puiged out, got dumped at the curb in front of his Bel Air mansion and woke his neighbors in the morning with shrill nightmare screams: “Pull Kershaw you dumb shit, he ain’t no Bumgarner!”

  4. Chico says:

    We’re back! hate to be the wet blanked but we’re short at 3B, LF, Sp and RP. Giving 6 years to a guy who will be 31 in January was a bullet dodged. Speaking of dodged, the fargging Dodgers are on the move. Granted, the middle of their LU looks weaker (if the trade Kemp), but we need to make some moves, imo. So much on MLBTR, but who knows. We’ve swung and missed at two top guys with competitive packages. I dunno. Perhaps someone else is due for a run. Well see.

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