WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?

Nearly two months into the season and despite having the largest payroll in baseball, the Dodgers are languishing in last place. Our good buddy, (not) Tommy Lasorda has a few thoughts on the matter.

Lasorda

Jesus Christ, this is not acceptable. We still got Handy on the DL, that pussy Greinke got hurt trying to mosh pit with San Diego, and the rest of the guys just suck without an excuse. Kemp has two home runs. Two goddam home runs. Hell, he hit more than that when he was skipping BP to take his pop star girlfriend to NarcAnon.

This is just not acceptable, I tell you. Yeah, guys are going to have slumps, but in my day we never let it get this far. You have to take measures to nip this shit in the bud. Hell, back in 1983 I took a fungo to the back of Jack Fimple’s Buick when he wouldn’t quit popping up. Did it work? Well, Fimple hit .250 that year. For a 1980s catcher that’s a Ted Williams season.

You know what this team needs? A slump breaker. Look, it’s not that far from LA to the Bunny Ranch. Pop a couple greenies after the game, hop in the 15 and you’ll get yourself a good 6-7 hours at the cathouse and still make it back in time for BP the next day.

Now, I have this special slump buster. It’s a sure-fire, every damn time. I know there’s ladies in attendance, so I’ll explain it in the most respectful, polite manner possible. What it is, you see, you eat a whole kielbasa from between a hooker’s ass cheeks. Long as you tip well and don’t use hot mustard, the broad’s usually okay with it, and I guarantee that when you’re burping that taste up in the batter’s box for the next three days, trying to pull an outside change-up is the last thing on your mind. Guarantee you hit a good .280 the next three weeks.

God, I could go for some sausage right now…

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67 Responses to WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?

  1. xoot says:

    Compare leadoff hitters Carl Crawford and Angel Pagan. Both are 31; both were drafted in 1999. Crawford looked like a superstar developing, for a while. But no longer. He was a triples-hitting wonder until he joined the RSox. He hit an inside-the-parker a few years back, too. But he’s fading now. Meanwhile, Angel Pagan seems to be improving as he ages. Of course, he’s on the bench today, resting his legs. So we’ll see. I think he’ll be fine, and I think he has several excellent years ahead of him. So here’s the Giants/dodgers kicker–Pagan is signed through 2016 for about $10M per year; Crawford is signed through 2017 for about $20M per. On the up side, I guess that’ll pay for a bunch of kielbasa orgies.

    • JDR says:

      To be fair, LA has written off at least half of that money as incentive to land Gonzales (a whole other clusterfuck, that.

      BTW that comment in the last thread about the party at Sandy’s was a joke. Please don’t everyone go crashing his cookout.

  2. xoot says:

    Another gritty come from behind win for Los Gigantes!

  3. Chico says:

    Great win! Party at Sandy’s? I’m on my way!

  4. Chico says:

    Great blog post JDR!

  5. Chico says:

    Headed out of town with ‘the boys’ – going to a ‘cabin’ which is basically a nice home in the mountains for a few days.. Good thing is it has internet access, bad thing, no cable but we’ll survive. Have fun and enjoy the games.

  6. sandy32koufax says:

    “WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?”

    Shouldn’t “Uh, er, um…I ah…don’t, you know, get it” Bochy be asking this?

    I notice the stands are even less populated than those at Chavez in late innings.

    • xoot says:

      Well, last night, yeah. The A’s fans had to get home in time to fill their crockpots for today’s meals.

  7. xoot says:

    I’ve heard enough about the NY Post over the years to know to hold this at arm’s length as I consider it. But still . . . .

    http://www.nypost.com/p/news/business/no_dodging_mess_cJ2zjtJSgMYSvwam7A3BAP

    • sandy32koufax says:

      Shady dealings in peoples’ retirement accts?

      American Oligarchs having their way with money due other people is an obscenity that needs to be addressed in a manner which provides for the retiree first and the shareholder second.

      That will never happen, however.

      Vive Le Status Quo!

    • JDR says:

      More bad news; Kemp on the 15-day with ANOTHER hammy injury.

  8. mailorderwife says:

    This is not a good start to their road trip :<

  9. sandy32koufax says:

    Beckett is seriously damaged goods.The Wall Street crew knew that prior to dealing with their friends from Boston. Collusion? Doubt it but still. Kemp on the other hand must have been doing the juice too. My only, unsubstantiated, conclusion. Injuries have seemed to plague many of those that quit roiding suddenly.

    If jints pitching isn’t killing them, their bats go quiet. Failing either of those eventualities, the SF “D” is one of, if not the, worst in all of baseball. It all seems to be adding up to very mediocre results for the defending champs…

    • mailorderwife says:

      I was at Dodger Stadium last year when that trade was made, and the Codger fans I spoke to *hated* the trade because of Beckett. However, there is no A-Gon in the trade without picking up Beckett. Why bring that poison into the clubhouse?

      As for Kemp, I tend to agree with you although I don’t really like all the booing. Say what you will about him this season, but he and Kershaw were what made the team palatable during those lean McCourt years. Even if he isn’t hitting, he’s still the one smashing his face into fences to catch a ball.

      The Giants? The team is so unfocused right now. They’re not even fun to watch. However, it’s good to know that Lincecum is willing to switch to the bullpen. If so, the Giants should look to signing him after his audition during the WS.

      Where did everyone go?

  10. sandy32koufax says:

    私は知っているが、新しい趣味しませんか

    Ya, LA got creamed today.

    Shit, my ex is probably gloating over her Pads being ahead of LA and owning them this far into 2013.

    What a crap season this is becoming…

  11. Chico says:

    Sorry I haven’t been around – got some scary health news and I go in Wednesday for testing. I’m just trying to keep a smile on my face around the kids, and trying to stay positive. I won’t know much until the end of the week at the earliest.

    I just jumped back online today and my mind forgot about it. Crazy how scary news can screw up your routine which makes things even worse, like dwelling on something I can’t change or fearing something that hasn’t been confirmed. Kiss your loved ones every day and tell them how much you love them. They deserve to hear it.

    • xoot says:

      Very sorry to hear this, but best of luck, and definitely stay positive.

      • sandy32koufax says:

        Hey Bro, IDK what the issue is but whatever is going on for you, know that JDR peeps are in your corner and care about you. And hey, the jints are almost in first 😉

        (am I giving my man card away by saying that?)

    • Chico says:

      Thanks fellas… I’ve kind of been a recluse from my normal activities (mainly the internet and doing what I enjoy doing), but I gotta say that jumping on the blogs, talking baseball and politics has really got me in a better place.. It sure beats sitting on the couch asking myself, ‘why me?’ My wife is amazing. Not sure where I’d be mentally right now without her love and support. Thanks for the support of you good folks. .

      First time I’ve had a beer since the scary news. . Tastes like heaven.

      • mailorderwife says:

        I hope all goes well for you, Chico. We got your back here, a grade A bullpen.

      • JDR says:

        Hope you’re doing well, Chico. Hopefully the news turns out okay, but I know that twinfan has been through a lot and might be a good person to talk to for some perspective.

        • Chico says:

          Yeah, I’ve already been talking to him about my brother-in-law’s C treatments.. He’s a huge help. Hopefully I won’t have to talk to him about me.

          • sandy32koufax says:

            Ya, he is a good fella at heart. He just likes to play tough. Brown water navy n alla that…

  12. shaman138 says:

    Hey guys, sorry to have been off the grid for so long but this leg injury has just put me through hell. Chico, best wishes to you and hang in there bro. We got your back, amigo.

    • sandy32koufax says:

      Hey Buddy, how are you?

      Piffle on how long you’ve been in the recovery room, it can be a great spacey place, ya?

      Chico is a STUD and will come through with flying colors and you’ll be running the 100 meters faster than Nehemiah ever did!

      Try some Anchor Porter…I am 😉

      Feel better and Go Blues!

  13. JDR says:

    Sandy, what’s this about a list of PED suspensions? Got a link?

    • JDR says:

      Ahh, this the Biogenesis thing?

    • sandy32koufax says:

      Our omniscient friend Chico hipped me to it…I’ll ask him for the link or to post it.

      • sandy32koufax says:

        BTW, is that your response to my post in the clear on the splash?

        • sandy32koufax says:

          Yes, the admissions by the owner…etc.

          MLBPA and the league offices SHOULD have egg and more on their collective faces.

          Good luck on any of it making a damn bit of difference though. We are as corrupt a society as Russia, China or Dubai

    • sandy32koufax says:

      Thanks for the post Chico.

      Quite the tale being told at OTL. I wonder how much is being swept under the rug “for the sake of the game?” (read: for our pockets!)

      Most of the named players, so far at least, are “no names” or also-rans and of little consequence and I find it INCREDIBLE that other, bigger names are not mentioned. I also wonder where else these PEDs are being manufactured and distributed and whom is involved in those operations…

  14. unca_chuck says:

    Best of luck Chico. My brother is going through the same type thing. He’s been in 3 times for a skin thing, and they just discovered it’s malignant. The good news is it’s a slow spreading carcinoma. They told him it shouldn’t be a problem (another chunk taken out, and some radiation), and his response was, So I got the good cancer?

  15. shaman138 says:

    Well, you can put lipstick on a Puig but….

    Speaking of, there’s no real excuse for the way the Giants have been dominated by the poo jays this year. Another meltdown inning today–Im getting really sick of this sloppy baseball

  16. sandy32koufax says:

    Eggs uh lent!

    Game ending DP

    Watch out, if you peeps think ill/troll of me, then avoid heading to the splash or dumbbeat…

  17. unca_chuck says:

    Dogs lose! THe Pods keep them in the cellar!

    • unca_chuck says:

      Sorry, Sandy. Goose, gander, and all that….

      • sandy32koufax says:

        No big Chuck. I knew what I was signing on for when I threw in with you lot 🙂

        Cool news on your brother. IDCare what anyone has to say about Lance Armstrong or how they villfy the guy, he gave my father hope and strength when he was fighting lymphoma. Even tho your bro has gotten this good news, I recommend reading some of the books Armstrong wrote. To anyone not just cancer patients…

  18. filthychangeup says:

    Sorry that I haven’t been around, last time I checked here the conversation had gone stagnant. I apologize for the late acknowledgement but Shaman I hope your leg is healing quickly. Chico, I’m sorry to hear about the scary news, my thoughts are with you. If you want to talk I myself had a brain tumor removed when I was 16. Thankfully the tumor was benign or I wouldn’t know any of you fine folk.

    The Giants are driving me nuts and this two off day week isn’t helping. I went to my first game this season a few Fridays ago when the Rox shut us out 5-0. I got the tix from a vendor at work for free and they were the closest I’ve ever sat (FC 3rd base about 12 rows back). Normally I’m in a sour mood when I attend a loss but the seats were so awesome I was only slightly annoyed. It was cool to see Bochy’s MASSIVE head so close.

  19. sandy32koufax says:

    This may not be ”the right forum” to say this but 69 years and 15 hours ago, the Allies landed in Normandy.

    D-Day.

  20. sandy32koufax says:

    Lipstick on a Puig~

    You see that grand slam, Shaman;-)

    • sandy32koufax says:

      Greinke had a solid night. Damn Dodgers starters are throwing way too many pitches this season. Kershaw’s pitch total must one of the higher totals in the NL.

      Frackin pads keep finding ways to stay ahead of LA too.

      See, Puig isn’t roiding, he’s “sausaging”…

  21. unca_chuck says:

    Coudn’t believe Puig gets a fastball 1st pitch with the bases loaded. Doh! He should be getting a steady diet of breaking balls.

  22. mailorderwife says:

    I actually played MLB The Show for the first time! I’ve had it for awhile but never actually played a full game, you see. Anywho, I pitched a 8-0 shutout against the Angels. My perfect game was gone when my husband told me to hit a certain key combination that caused me to intentionally walk Mike Trout while the bases were empty.

    My version of the SF Giants is so solid! But back to real life…

    I hope you’re okay, Chico! WB, Changeup! WB Shaman! Hockey is gone, but not forgotten. I’ll be cheering the Blackhawks until the Kings are out, and would like them to kick Bruin butt (yeah, it’ll go that way) just so I don’t have to watch sappy NBC montages. Do it for Cade Foster, lads!

  23. sandy32koufax says:

    Game time jints fans.

    Lames at the Splash n dumbbeat are cracking me up…

  24. shaman138 says:

    Wow, Hamburger Helper Affeldt just totally shit the bed after a solid outing by Cain.

    • sandy32koufax says:

      I LOVED Affeldt’s command tonight. 🙂

      “Another perfect day” in Dodgertown as two of four teams leading the Good Guys lose.

      I used to think “nigelguest” was alright and stayed above the ribbing thing except during games between the A’s n jints but saw him make a taunting comment at the Splash. It seemed benign enough though.

      Smile shaman, jints diidn’t lose any more ground to SD at least.

  25. Chico says:

    Thanks for all the well wishes. I really appreciate it and they mean a lot to me. Still no word on what I’m up against. I’ll know more next week; hoping for a false/positive and/or a line dropped by my doctor that ‘all is good’.

    Bochy should have yanked Jeremy, imo. He just didn’t have it tonight despite his #’s against Goldschmidt.

  26. sandy32koufax says:

    There have been some E P I C games today

    TX and TO played 18 and Marlins vs Mets is in the 20th…

  27. shaman138 says:

    A much-needed and highly enjoyable spanking of the Arizona Slimebacks tonight. Didn’t Cahill come from those spectacular A’s?

  28. sandy32koufax says:

    BLARGH!!!

    Bumgarner is tough. he’ll be here for some time.

    Dodgers didn’t play badly and lost a good, close game. I wonder if Puig injured himself tho?

    Hope not, that kid is electric! Go Blues!

  29. JDR says:

    New post up.

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