Nearly two months into the season and despite having the largest payroll in baseball, the Dodgers are languishing in last place. Our good buddy, (not) Tommy Lasorda has a few thoughts on the matter.
Jesus Christ, this is not acceptable. We still got Handy on the DL, that pussy Greinke got hurt trying to mosh pit with San Diego, and the rest of the guys just suck without an excuse. Kemp has two home runs. Two goddam home runs. Hell, he hit more than that when he was skipping BP to take his pop star girlfriend to NarcAnon.
This is just not acceptable, I tell you. Yeah, guys are going to have slumps, but in my day we never let it get this far. You have to take measures to nip this shit in the bud. Hell, back in 1983 I took a fungo to the back of Jack Fimple’s Buick when he wouldn’t quit popping up. Did it work? Well, Fimple hit .250 that year. For a 1980s catcher that’s a Ted Williams season.
You know what this team needs? A slump breaker. Look, it’s not that far from LA to the Bunny Ranch. Pop a couple greenies after the game, hop in the 15 and you’ll get yourself a good 6-7 hours at the cathouse and still make it back in time for BP the next day.
Now, I have this special slump buster. It’s a sure-fire, every damn time. I know there’s ladies in attendance, so I’ll explain it in the most respectful, polite manner possible. What it is, you see, you eat a whole kielbasa from between a hooker’s ass cheeks. Long as you tip well and don’t use hot mustard, the broad’s usually okay with it, and I guarantee that when you’re burping that taste up in the batter’s box for the next three days, trying to pull an outside change-up is the last thing on your mind. Guarantee you hit a good .280 the next three weeks.
God, I could go for some sausage right now…