Are you excited yet? Spring Training is officially over, and now we get to see major leaguers play a full nine innings, doing things like diving for line drives and running out grounders.
As the season gets ready to kick off, I figured everyone could use a bit of a refresher course on the rest of the National League, their fans, and their cities. In case you’ve forgotten why every other franchise is a festering chum bucket patronized by slack-jawed morons, let’s recap…
Atlanta: It takes a special kind of clueless, country-fried jackass to not have seen anything wrong with doing the ‘tomahawk chop’ non-stop for the last 20 years. There’s ‘un-PC’ behavior and then there’s breathtaking dickheadedness. The ‘chop is the latter. Also, their proudest accomplishment was spending the 90s as the playoff version of the Washington Generals.
NY Mets: The Mets and Jets have more in common than rhyming nicknames. They’re the New York teams you root for if you hate the idea of winning, cheering, or ever being genuinely happy.
Philadelphia: They try so hard, they spend so much money, their fans talk so much trash. And that makes it so much better when they lose. So very, very much better.
In 2010 Phillies fans wolf-whistled at Tim Lincecum, behavior that was mistaken for heckling. In reality, they were just excited by the idea of a woman in Philadelphia who weighed less than 220 pounds.
Washington: Poor Stephen Strasburg. After all the decades of awful baseball and teams jumping town, you would think MLB would realize that God does not want a baseball team in Washington DC. But then they had to go and move the Expos. And of course, now we have a brand new stadium nobody wants to visit and a star pitcher whose elbow exploded. If I’m Bryce Harper I throw out every sharp object in the house. Fate is closing in.
Miami: Ooh look, someone took Minute Maid Park and redecorated it to look like a sheet of Lisa Frank stickers. That’ll be $515m, City of Miami. Don’t be surprised if the team wins and they still can’t draw a crowd. That place looks like Rick Santorum’s idea of how gay men decorate their houses.
St Louis: Have you encountered a Cardinals fan who talked trash about how much better the Cardinals were than every other team in the league? Me neither. I don’t trust any team that can be that successful and not gloat about it. They’re like millions of little Eli Mannings.
Chicago: One day, the Cubs are going to win a World Series. And it is going to completely ruin everything for their fans. There will be a week or so of wild celebrations and nostalgic tales of departed family members, but then after that they will realize that they have completely lost their identity. The Cubs will then be the White Sox with a nicer neighborhood.
Cincinnati: The Reds were thrilled, positively thrilled, to hire Dusty Baker as their manager. That’s like being happy when your mechanic tells you the transmission on your car is going to fall out in the near future. Aroldis Chapman’s left arm is already conspiring to defect back to Cuba
Houston: Apparently they were a baseball team once.
Milwaukee: Nothing like a team that knows it pissed away its chance to win a ring, isn’t that right 2003-2004 Giants? Milwaukee fans now have to die the slow death that comes from watching a handful of great players do just enough to not make the playoffs and then sign with another team. Even worse, all they have to drink is Miller.
Pittsburgh: For all the struggling ballclubs out there who think a new ballpark, management change and 15 years of top draft picks can help you turn things around, well, there’s the Pirates. Fans in Pittsburgh are extremely proud of Yuengling beer and Primanti Bros sandwiches. Mostly because they speed up the arrival of that fatal heart attack which finally brings the sweet release from being a Pirates fan.
Arizona: This is where ERAs and grandparents go to die. Their team is banking on another 40-16 finish and about 25 wins from Ian Kennedy to get back into the playoffs. There’s no way that can possibly go wrong, is there?
Colorado: Only 115 Rockies games until Peyton Manning debuts!
San Diego: The Padres may be down now, but after another five year rebuilding process they will once again build a stellar young roster capable of not winning shit. Fortunately, nobody in San Diego will care.
Los Angeles Dodgers of Los Angeles: They have a new ownership group who as billions of dollars at their disposal and the plan is to improve the team fast by spending big in free agency. This is not a repeat of 1999.
Don’t laugh too hard though, save some for this winter when they throw $60m at Fausto Carmona.