In which we extend a warm welcome to the rest of the National League

Are you excited yet? Spring Training is officially over, and now we get to see major leaguers play a full nine innings, doing things like diving for line drives and running out grounders.

As the season gets ready to kick off, I figured everyone could use a bit of a refresher course on the rest of the National League, their fans, and their cities. In case you’ve forgotten why every other franchise is a festering chum bucket patronized by slack-jawed morons, let’s recap…

Atlanta: It takes a special kind of clueless, country-fried jackass to not have seen anything wrong with doing the ‘tomahawk chop’ non-stop for the last 20 years. There’s ‘un-PC’ behavior and then there’s breathtaking dickheadedness. The ‘chop is the latter. Also, their proudest accomplishment was spending the 90s as the playoff version of the Washington Generals.

NY Mets: The Mets and Jets have more in common than rhyming nicknames. They’re the New York teams you root for if you hate the idea of winning, cheering, or ever being genuinely happy.

Philadelphia: They try so hard, they spend so much money, their fans talk so much trash. And that makes it so much better when they lose. So very, very much better.

In 2010 Phillies fans wolf-whistled at Tim Lincecum, behavior that was mistaken for heckling. In reality, they were just excited by the idea of a woman in Philadelphia who weighed less than 220 pounds.

Washington: Poor Stephen Strasburg. After all the decades of awful baseball and teams jumping town, you would think MLB would realize that God does not want a baseball team in Washington DC. But then they had to go and move the Expos. And of course, now we have a brand new stadium nobody wants to visit and a star pitcher whose elbow exploded. If I’m Bryce Harper I throw out every sharp object in the house. Fate is closing in.

Miami: Ooh look, someone took Minute Maid Park and redecorated it to look like a sheet of Lisa Frank stickers. That’ll be $515m, City of Miami. Don’t be surprised if the team wins and they still can’t draw a crowd. That place looks like Rick Santorum’s idea of how gay men decorate their houses.

St Louis: Have you encountered a Cardinals fan who talked trash about how much better the Cardinals were than every other team in the league? Me neither. I don’t trust any team that can be that successful and not gloat about it. They’re like millions of little Eli Mannings.

Chicago: One day, the Cubs are going to win a World Series. And it is going to completely ruin everything for their fans. There will be a week or so of wild celebrations and nostalgic tales of departed family members, but then after that they will realize that they have completely lost their identity. The Cubs will then be the White Sox with a nicer neighborhood.

Cincinnati: The Reds were thrilled, positively thrilled, to hire Dusty Baker as their manager. That’s like being happy when your mechanic tells you the transmission on  your car is going to fall out in the near future. Aroldis Chapman’s left arm is already conspiring to defect back to Cuba

Houston: Apparently they were a baseball team once.

Milwaukee: Nothing like a team that knows it pissed away its chance to win a ring, isn’t that right 2003-2004 Giants? Milwaukee fans now have to die the slow death that comes from watching a handful of great players do just enough to not make the playoffs and then sign with another team. Even worse, all they have to drink is Miller.

Pittsburgh: For all the struggling ballclubs out there who think a new ballpark, management change and 15 years of top draft picks can help you turn things around, well, there’s the Pirates. Fans in Pittsburgh are extremely proud of Yuengling beer and Primanti Bros sandwiches. Mostly because they speed up the arrival of that fatal heart attack which finally brings the sweet release from being a Pirates fan.

Arizona: This is where ERAs and grandparents go to die. Their team is banking on another 40-16 finish and about 25 wins from Ian Kennedy to get back into the playoffs. There’s no way that can possibly go wrong, is there?

Colorado: Only 115 Rockies games until Peyton Manning debuts!

San Diego: The Padres may be down now, but after another five year rebuilding process they will once again build a stellar young roster capable of not winning shit. Fortunately, nobody in San Diego will care.

Los Angeles Dodgers of Los Angeles: They have a new ownership group who as billions of dollars at their disposal and the plan is to improve the team fast by spending big in free agency. This is not a repeat of 1999.

Don’t laugh too hard though, save some for this winter when they throw $60m at Fausto Carmona.

This entry was posted in Giants. Bookmark the permalink.

22 Responses to In which we extend a warm welcome to the rest of the National League

  1. xoot says:

    Nicely filleted. When you look at the teams from a certain angle, it does seem a bit excessive to spend 162 games to determine which 3 division winners and 2 wild cards get to move on.

  2. unca_chuck says:

    Well, it’s better than the NBA, where more than half the teams make the playoffs, and the interminable regular season is merely a footnote to the even more interminable playoffs.

    That being said, give Bud a few more years, and we’ll have AL/NL full interleague scheduling all the time (this happens next year), the DH in the NL, and 2-16 team leagues (with no divisions) with the top 6 in each league making the playoffs.

    In other words, he wants to turn baseball into football.

    • sandy32koufax says:

      I hate the obvious greed that is dictating these changes. And baseball with snow on the ground or playoff games postponed due to snow is ridiculous…sack the bastard!

  3. Chico says:

    Great stuff. The one about Philly cracked me up. On a related note, one of my best friends is from Wisconsin. I met him about 10 years ago when he started dating one of my wife’s friends; funny thing is he told me ‘man, girls in California are smoking hot’ Errr, you just came here from Wisconsin dude, I’m sure that’s a factor!

    • JDR says:

      Actually I’ve heard that the ladies in Wisconsin are rather hot up until their mid-20s or so when that diet starts to catch up with them. To be fair, I’m sure it’s a similar pattern for the fellas.

      • sandy32koufax says:

        I married a Wisconsin girl that had moved to the SF valley while still a baby…none in her family were ‘big’ except the men who were actually in very good shape.

        And ya, the sisters were all smoking, hell, Barbara is still smoking hot today…think of a blonde Phoebe Cates.

  4. JDR says:

    Wait, so the Marlins and Cardinals played one game in Miami, then the Marlins flew to Cincy and the Cardinals to Milwaukee? Seriously?

  5. mailorderwife says:

    Hilarious!!!! Well done :>

  6. Chico says:

    His post about San Diego fans is true. We stayed here which is right next to the ballpark in the gas-lamp district. I saw more Giants hats than Padre hats, and that was in 2008. If you ever go down there, I highly recommend that place. A bar, fire pits & a pool on the roof, affordable, nice rooms, location location. . . I need a vacation.

    • mailorderwife says:

      I did make the trek down to the Giants official fan field trip last year, and remember a Padre fan sitting next to me for one game. I gave him the Padre pom pom, and he it just seemed as if the whole Giants fan invasion was par for the course. Same holds true for Dodger Padre games, where the fan becomes infested with Dodger blew.

  7. JDR says:

    Just caught this from a quick glance on Weisman’s blog:
    From my viewpoint, 11,482 feet above sea level in the Chilean Andes, that was a pretty good play.”

    Good God, what an insufferable prick. I think you guys are onto something with the Soph connection; same desperate need to insist upon their own importance. Makes you wonder if “the travel writer” is as much of an assumed character as the college student.

  8. dirtnrocksnomo says:

    Comedy. Great post JDR.

  9. sandy32koufax says:

    Funny stuff, JD and everyone else.

    I can’t blame you for not reviewing the hometownies, though. I have no illusions as to how well the Dodgers are going to perform this season, .500 ball is the best I’m looking toward til next year, minimum. The Jints, on the other hand, they have high expectations and seem to be less than prepared to meet said expectations at too many positions…yet again. Good luck with that.

    Sooo, the season begins today in earnest for all teams across our beautiful, obese country! PLAY BALL and may Bud find need to vacate office in the ensuing month!

    • unca_chuck says:

      Don’t hold your breath, Sandy. As sketchy as things may appear with the Giants, I am wholly enthused by the direction of the recent moves. Losing both Whitehead and Stewart was necessary. Especially with the emergence of Hector Sanchez. Keeping Pill up ensures the very real scenario where Huff doesn’t cut it, and is summarily released. The team is younger and a hell of a lot faster than last year’s version. Goodbye to station-to-station shit, and hello to aggressiveness on the basepaths. If you don’t have power you need to at least have speed and flexibility. The Giants had neither last year.

      As far as the Doggers go, well, they may be hope, but not this season . . .

      • sandy32koufax says:

        Let’s see how all of that shakes out because there are an awful lot of ‘ifs’ about the Jints this year. And I addressed the Ds not being much more than a .500 hopeful…about where they were last season but with the added incentive of seeing McDick leave…

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s