No Giants in this year’s playoffs, though it’s cushioned quite a bit by Boston’s ridiculously awesome collapse. So without the hometown squad to cheer, who are you rooting for in this year’s playoffs?
Phillies? Fuck those assholes. The only thing better than hoisting the trophy last year was sending all those battery-throwing retards home crying. After spending all that money on Cliff Lee how great would it be to see them go home, especially with the Eagles tripping over their own feet?
St Louis? Screw them. They’re the Dodgers of the midwest. They like to pretend they’re just another team making do with what they can get, but they’re as big a market as anyone in the NL. Plus their fans are all fat. Fatty fatty fat fat.
Milwaukee? Fuck you, Aaron Rodgers. This is entire population that bases its food pyramid on deep fried dairy products. Dieting in Milwaukee means using lite beer to batter your chicken fingers.
Arizona? The great thing about the D-Backs is that even though they won a title in 2001, all their fans are either too young or too old to remember it. The whole stadium smells like Ben-Gay and peroxide.
Tampa? Oh boy, let’s root for the underdog Rays who were so smart about building their franchise. You know how Tampa got to be great? They sucked ass for 15 years in a row. Unless you’re the Clippers, picking first in the draft for a solid decade is going to net a pretty good squad.
New York? If you were born outside of New York and root for the Yankees you are a complete asshole. Probably the sort of asshole who watches Steven Segal movies and compliments the dialogue. Yankee fans keep the market for No Fear clothing alive.
Tigers? Enough about Detroit. I’m sorry your city sucks, truly I am. But no amount of sporting success is going to bring jobs back. And I’m not going to feel sorry for any team that pays Miguel Cabrera $153 million.
Texas? I’d feel worse if they didn’t stick George Bush behind home plate. I spent last year’s World Series rooting for a wild pitch to sneak past the net.