Listen, Niners, we need to have a little chat…
I don’t need to remind you that things have been bad lately. It’s been a good nine years since you put up a winning season. Three coaches have come and gone along with a parade of quarterbacks and coordinators, none of whom could muster up as many as nine wins.
Yet here we are. Yet another season in which you could squeak out a division title just as easily as you could finish three or four games behind whoever stumbles into the NFC West title and the inevitable loss to the Packers that comes with it.
I’m sick of this shit.
Year in and year out, we suffer the same fate. You’re almost good enough to not be depressing. Just enough wins to not be god-awful, but not enough wins to be watchable. Enough already. If you’re going to suck ass, then by all means drop the pretenses, get on all fours, and hooverize it.
Jed York: It all starts with you, buddy. Enough of this crap about turning over a new leaf and rebuilding the franchise, we know you’re not that guy and you know you’re not that guy. Go Dan Snyder with this bitch. Raise ticket prices 60%, tell Make-A-Wish kids to shove it, replace that big picture of Dwight Clark with a giant portrait of yourself lighting a cigar with a $100 bill and a hooker on each arm. We want so desperately to hate you. Just give us a reason.
Michael Crabtree: You’ve been so very, very close. But you have to commit, dude. There was the holdout as rookie, but then you had to go and actually put up some stats when you got here. Then year 2 rolled around and you went and dogged it in camp, only to come back a few weeks later and come off as the only receiver on the roster who bothered to run a full rout. You’re showing the indications of being an asshole, now it’s time to take the next step. This foot injury? Nice start, but you can do better. Time for the classic “everyone on this team sucks but me” rant. Get on the phone with KNBR and just lay into everyone. Gore, Davis, Morgan, everyone. Maybe even a lewd comment about Harbaugh’s wife and/or mother just for good measure. And when anyone asks you about it, remember: it’s all the media’s fault and those stupid fans need to get off your back.
Josh Morgan: It says here that in college you once got drunk, started a fight, punched out a guy’s window, resisted arrest and had to be peppered sprayed. A repeat performance is in order, but be strategic about it. Week 3: @ Cincy. Very winnable game, right? Bender time! Make it epic. Hell, take a couple Bengals players and have them show you the ropes. An ill-timed arrest could be just what this team needs to erase all hope early on.
Alex Smith: Bang-up job, son. Carry on as usual.
Vernon Davis: So much of this is on your shoulders. A couple years ago you were a master of the critical dropped pass. Then you had to go and starting holding on to the ball, like an asshole. No more of this, sir. I want your hands to be so bad that they set off the metal detector at the airport. I want the other team’s DBs to leave you open on purpose.
Jim Harbaugh: Coach, you’ve got a lot to live up to. The guy who had this job before you was epic when it came to coaching fuck-ups. But you’ve gotten off to a nice start with the Alex Smith deal. Also, nice job with the draft. I counted no fewer than five “what the fuck?” draft picks and we all know that teams are built through the draft these days. Now, the last two coaches were notorious for overusing the run. But I know you can do them one better: nothing but passes. We all know who you’ve got behind center and who he has protecting him. By all means, let him do what he does worst. Three words for you, Jim: Let Alex Suck.
Trent Baalke: Okay Trent, if we’ve gotten this far, then the rest of the guys have come through and we won’t have to wait long to hear the team’s name called on draft night. Don’t screw this up by drafting a franchise player; trade the pick. To Dallas. For Roy Williams. Both of them. Leave no doubt, Trent. LEAVE NO DOUBT.